This has nothing to do with a list - except that it happened to me on my way back from Pittsburgh, where I was checking Primanti Brothers off my "Top 100 Sandwiches of All Time" list. (That's a whole other story, which I'll have to tell another time.)
So two weeks ago, Nick and I were driving back from a rather disappointing day in Pittsburgh. (It was supposed to be a weekend, and we were supposed to see a baseball game, but Mother Nature had other plans. It ended up being a day of wandering around in the rain, and eating everything in sight, which had its merits - but ultimately felt a little lacking without the baseball.)
I tend to get onto weird food kicks when I'm driving long distances. For instance, road trips are, in my book, the only occasions on which it is acceptable to purchase and consume an entire bag of beef jerky. I love the stuff, but I literally won't eat it unless I am driving to a location more than four hours away. Not sure why. On this particular trip, I had developed an odd fixation on cappuccino - specifically, from the ubiquitous cappuccino machines found at rest stops. Nick laughed at me a lot for this, and you might too - but seriously, have you had rest stop machine cappuccino?? It is delicious. And it comes in crazy, but appealing flavors: Southern Texas Pecan, Mexican Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice. (I make it my personal mission to try a different flavor each time, if at all possible.) Honestly, has anyone ever tried this and not liked it? I don't even care that it may or may not be chemicals, instead of real coffee. If your gas station rest stop has machine Cappuccino, and I've been driving a while, I'm drinking it. And chances are, I'm drinking the craziest flavor you have to offer.
And yes, I know I am supposed to be somewhat of an authority on food.
About halfway between Pittsburgh and DC lies Breezewood, Pennsylvania, a trucker's mecca with some of the best rest stops the country has to offer. Of particular note is the largest Sheetz gas station I have ever seen. Needless to say, after a two hour drive in the rain, I had the feeling that this Sheetz probably had the sort of synthetic cappuccino necessary to lift my spirits. After refilling, I entered and sought out the machine. Sure enough - ten flavors of Cappuccino, each crazier than the next. On such an occasion, it just didn't seem right to get something mundane like French Vanilla or Hazelnut or, God Forbid, no flavor at all. Buying regular coffee at this Breezewood Sheetz seemed akin to having a grilled cheese sandwich at Primanti Brothers: a sense of adventure was crucial. So I did what any traveler would have done: I pressed the button for the "Brown Sugar Raisin Oatmeal" Cappuccino. Go ahead and laugh if you must, but ask yourself, does that really sound so bad? You like brown sugar, right? And chances are, you like raisins and oatmeal too. So what's the problem? I paid at the counter and eagerly awaited my first sip.
I had that first sip in the parking lot, which was a good thing. Because I wasn't expecting to find solid chunks floating in my coffee. Big solid chunks, which I spat out onto the pavement. Clearly, the milk must have been curdled. On one level, this was oddly comforting - I hadn't previously been certain that machine cappuccino was actually made with milk. Apparently it was. However, this didn't override the fact that I was now trying my best not to chew on pieces of this milk. I walked back inside to demand an explanation.
"There are chunks in my coffee. The milk is all curdled," I said to the matronly cashier, placing my cup down abruptly on the counter.
"What kind did you try sir?"
"What?"
"Did you buy the Oatmeal flavor?" she asked, in what I took to be a somewhat judgmental tone.
"Yes. Why?"
"It's Brown Sugar Raisin Capp-OAT-ccino. It has oats in it."
"What? Why?"
"Would you like to try another flavor, sir?"
Yes, I would. One sip of Capp-OAT-ccino was quite enough, thank you very much. So there you have it, folks: coffee and oats together at last. It's reminiscent of Homer's line from The Simpsons, "I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are." He says this while holding up a can, whose label says: "Nuts and Gum: Together at Last."
Coffee and oats. Who actually drinks this? Will it catch on? What does it say about our society? I got nothing - except that I think this is the reason I love traveling, and why I sometimes love the weird stops like Breezewood, PA as much as I love the destinations. Everyone knows where to find Pittsburgh - but no GPS will tell you where to find the weirdest hot beverage on the Eastern seaboard.
